Two Sizes Too Small

That afternoon I knew what I wanted to talk about: I wanted to continue our discussion of force.

Every time we talked about it in the office it made sense, but when it came time to act, I couldn't do it. As attractive as it sounded in theory, in reality I couldn't keep up.

-I'm getting the feeling that if I don't use a little force once in a while, I won't be able to get along with my life. Honestly, I don't see how someone - anyone, achieves that goal.

-You're right about one thing - said the Fat Man - I've spent the better part of the last twenty years trying. I haven't always succeeded. I think it's the same for everyone. Pacifism is a challenge, a practice, a discipline. It takes training.

At first, it seemed impossible. What would they think of me if I started missing meetings? If I wasn't listening attentively to people even when I didn't give a shit what they were saying? If I didn't thank the men whom I despised? If I just refused to do things I didn't want to do? If I only worked four days a week and gave up the extra pay? If I stopped shaving? If I let myself smoke until I couldn't quit? If...?

-I wrote something once about the idea of necessary force. It's a social construct. Part of a fixed ideology which draws a bleak picture of humankind. If we are, in fact, lazy, evil, selfish and neglectful, then it's necessary for us to force ourselves to be better.

But Damian, is that really our nature?

I was fascinated, not just by what Jorge was saying, but by my own fantasy of what it would be like to live life in a perpetual state of relaxation, never fighting myself, calm, never rushing, never questioning myself.

But, what's the first step?

-First - he continued, as if he were reading my mind- you have to rid yourself of a misconception that we are taught from birth - A fundamental part of our culture:

You must struggle in order to achieve anything of true value.

As the Americans like to say: that's bullshit. Anyone, regardless of their perception of reality can sense that, but we structure our lives as though it were an absolute truth.

Some years ago, I described a clinical syndrome. It's never been recorded in any of the medical or psychological journals, but we all suffer from it. I call it "the two sizes too small" syndrome, and here's why...

A man went into a shoe store, and was approached by the salesman.

-How may I help you, sir?

-I'd like a pair of black shoes like the ones you have in the display.

-No problem. Let's see, I'd say you're about a size 12, right?

-No. A 10 thank you.

-I apologize, but I've been doing this a long time, and you might be able to squeeze into an 11, but not a 10.

-Size 10, thank you.

-Please, can I measure your foot at least?

-Measure whatever you want, but I need a 10.

-The salesman pulled out one of those funny devices they use to measure feet, he measured and with tremendous satisfaction pronounced "size 12!"

-Tell me, the man said, who is paying for these shoes? You or me?

-You

-Great. In that case, I'd like you to bring me a size 10.

-The salesman, surprised and dismayed, left to get the shoes. As he was pouring over the boxes, it dawned on him: the shoes aren't for him, they're a gift!

-Here you go, size 10 black.

-Can I have a shoehorn please, he said.

-You're going to put them on!?

-Of course!

-They're for you?

-Yes! A Shoehorn please?

The shoehorn was essential. Without it he couldn't get his foot inside that shoe. After various attempts and as many ridiculous positions, he managed to get his whole foot in it.

He winced and groaned as he took a few paces around the room.

-Ok. Great, I'll take them.

The salesman cringed at the thought of the man's toes being crushed against the fronts of those shoes.

-Can I wrap them for you?

-No thanks. I'll wear them.

The man left and walked, as best he could, three blocks over to the bank where he worked as a teller. At four o' clock, having endured six hours with his feet in these shoes, his face was haggard, his eyes bloodshot, and tears started streaming down his face.

His coworker at the next window over had been watching the whole time and started getting really worried.

-What's going on? Are you sick?

-No. It's my shoes.

-What's wrong with your shoes?

-They're tight..

-Why? Did they get wet or something?

-No. They're two sizes too small.

-Are they yours?

-Yes.

-But, your feet! Don't they hurt?

-They're killing me.

-?

Let me explain - he said.

He gulped, and then he said,

-My life doesn't give me much satisfaction. Lately, to be honest, I'm rarely happy.

-Ok

-I am hurting myself with these shoes. It's terrible ... but, in a few hours, when I get home and take them off ... imagine how good that will feel? It will feel incredible! Can you imagine?

-It seems crazy, right? It is crazy, Damian.

This story is made up to serve a purpose. My stance is extreme too, but it's worth the trouble of trying on the suit to see how it feels.

I believe that nothing of true value can be obtained by force.

I left with the last sentence he spoke ringing in my ears, offensive and rude,

Force... is for constipation.

The Doorman at the Horhouse

I was half-way done with my program, and like many students, I suddenly decided to reconsider my decision to study. So, I talked to my therapist about it, and I began to discover that I was the one pressuring myself, forcing myself to continue.

Here's the problem - the Fat Man said - As long as you keep thinking that you have to study and get your degree, it will be impossible for you to enjoy it. And if there isn't at least a tiny bit of joy in it, parts of your personality will play tricks on you.

Jorge had recited this so many times that he didn't believe in force. He said that nothing useful could be achieved by it - but in this case, I think he was wrong. What about the exception that upholds the rule?

-But Jorge, I can't stop studying - I said - In the world that I want to live in, I’m nobody without a degree. It's like a guaranty.

-Could be. - said the Fat Man. - Do you know what the Talmud is?

-Yes.

-There's a story in the Talmud about a common man: the doorman at the horhouse.

No job was more looked down upon or worse paying in the entire city than doorman at the horhouse... but, what else could he do?

The reality was that he had never learned to read or write, he didn't do much else. He had no other jobs. The only reason he had this one was because his father had been the doorman before him, and his grandfather, and so on.

The horhouse had been passed down from fathers to sons for decades, the position at the door included.

The elderly owner died one day, and his restless, entrepreneurial son was put in charge. The young man decided to modernize things.

He remodeled the rooms and arranged a meeting with the staff to reveal his new plans.

This is what he said to the doorman: I want to know how many couples enter each day, and I want you to stop one out of every five to find out how they were treated and what they thought could be improved. You’ll come to see me once a week with your report and your comments.

The doorman was trembling. He wasn’t lazy, but…

-I would like nothing more than to do that for you sir-

stammering – but I … I can’t read or write.

-Oh I see. I’m sorry to hear that, but I can’t pay another person just to make the reports, and I don’t have time to wait for you to learn to read and write, I’m sure you understand…

-But sir, you can’t lay me off. I’ve done this my whole life, and so did my father and my grandfather…

The young man cut him off.

-Look, I understand how you feel, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry. We’ll give you a severance, that is, some money to help you until you find another job. Good luck.

And, with that, the young man turned around and left.

The doorman felt like his world had been turned upside down. He never thought this could happen. He went back to his house, unemployed for the first time in his life.

-What am I gonna do?

He remembered that sometimes, when things at the horhouse would break, like beds… or wardrobes, they would give him a hammer and nails and have him fix them as best he could. That might make a good temporary job, he thought, until something better comes along.

He rummaged through his house looking for tools, but all he found was a couple of rusty old nails and a set of pliers. He needed a complete toolbox, and he could use some of his severance to buy one.

When he got to the front door, he remembered that there was no hardware store in town. The nearest one was two days away by mule… “What do I care?” he thought. So he set off anyway.

He returned with a beautiful new set of tools. Before he could take off his boots, there was a knock at the front door. It was his neighbor.

-Do you have a hammer that I could borrow?

-Sure! I just bought one, but it’s for my new job… I just got fired.

-Oh… I’ll bring it back tomorrow as early as possible?

-Fine.

The next morning, as promised, his neighbor came knocking at the door.

-Look, I’m still not finished, why don’t you just sell it to me?

-I can’t, I need it for my new job, and the nearest hardware store is two days away by mule!

-I’ll make you a deal – said the neighbor – I’ll pay for the trip.

That would actually give him a job to do for the next four days…

-Okay

When he got back there was a man waiting on his doorstep.

-Hi, Did you sell that hammer to my neighbor?

-Yep.

-I need some tools. I’ll pay the cost of the trip plus a little extra, on top of the price of the tools. Not everyone has time to make that trip.

-The doorman opened up his toolbox, and his neighbor removed a clamp, a screwdriver, a hammer and a chisel! He paid as promised, and left.

If that was true, a lot of people could use his service.

On the next trip he decided to take a risk and buy some extra tools.

He spread the word around town, and his neighbors stopped traveling all that way to get their tools.

Once a week, the tool salesman would go buy whatever they needed. He quickly realized that if he found a place to store his tools, he could make fewer trips. So, he rented a small storage shed in town.

In time, he widened the door. He added a window with a display. He transformed the shed into a hardware store: the town’s first.

The customers left happy and came back. He didn’t even have to travel anymore. He bought so much from the store in the neighboring town that they started sending him his orders for free.

All of the workmen who lived closer to his store than the other hardware store started shopping there too.

One day it dawned on him that his friend, who was a metal worker, could make hammer heads for him… and pliers and chisels….and screws and nails...!

To make a long story short, ten years later, through honesty and hard work, he became a millionaire manufacturing tools. He became the most powerful businessman in the region.

So powerful, in fact, that one day, to mark the start of the school year, he decided to donate a new school to the town. It would be a modern school where they would teach up-to-date skills, and the arts, in addition to reading and writing.

When it was finished, the mayor and the superintendent organized a ribbon cutting ceremony and dinner in honor of the founder.

Just before dessert, the mayor made a toast and handed the businessman the keys to the city. The superintendent embraced him and exclaimed: It is with tremendous pride and gratitude that we ask that you do us the honor of being the first to sign the school’s charter.

-The honor is mine, he said. Nothing would make me happier… but I don’t know how to read or write.

-You? –balked the superintendent. You don’t know how to read or write? How did you create this – empire of industry – without knowing how to read or write!? It’s unbelievable! Imagine what heights you might have attained had you known!

-I can tell you – he responded calmly – If I had known how to read and write, I would be the doorman at the horhouse.

The Man Who Thought He Was Dead

I was still thinking about the story of the two frogs.

-It's like that poem by Almafuerte  -I said  -

'Don't let yourself be conquered, even when you've been conquered.'

-That could be  -said the Fat Man.  But in this case, I think it's more like 'Don't let yourself be conquered before you've been conquered.' Or, if you like, 'Don't declare yourself a failure before taking the test.' The reason is that . . .

And before I knew it, Jorge was telling me another story.

Once upon a time there was a man who was always worried that he was sick with something, and he was even more concerned that he might be dying.  One day, with all these fears floating around in his head, he began to think that it was very likely that he was already dead.  So, he asked his wife.

-Love, will you tell me something? Am I . . . dead?

She laughed and told him to touch his hands and feet.

-See?  They're warm!  Good then, that's how you know you're alive.  If you were dead, they'd be very cold.

Her answer made sense to him and eased his mind.

A few weeks later, on a snowy day, the man went out to chop some wood for the fire. When he got to the forest, he took off his gloves and started chopping.

Without thinking about it, he touched his cheek and noticed how cold his hand was. Remembering what his wife had told him, he quickly took off his shoes and socks and, to his own horror, confirmed that his feet were very cold too.

There was no more room for doubt in the man's mind, he was absolutely sure that he was dead.

-It wouldn't be right for a dead person to be walking around chopping wood  -he said to himself.  So, right then, he dropped his axe next to his mule, he lay down in the snow with his arms crossed over his chest, and he closed his eyes.  

Soon, a pack of dogs approached and discovered his saddlebag, which contained some provisions.  When they realized that no one was protecting the bag, they rent it open and devoured the food.  The man thought:  "They're lucky I'm dead, or they'd really get a beating." 

The pack kept sniffing around and discovered the man's mule tied to a tree.   It was an easy target for the sharp-teethed dogs.  The mule squealed and kicked, and the man thought to himself that he would've liked to save the mule, if only he weren't dead.

After only a few minutes they devoured the mule, and while a few stayed behind to gnaw at the bones, the pack set off in search of more.

It wasn't long before one of the dogs caught scent of the man.  It found him lying motionless in the snow.  It approached slowly, very slowly, because to the dog, men were treacherous and cunning creatures.

Within moments the entire pack had surrounded him, their teeth shown, saliva dripping from their jaws.

"Now they're going to eat me- thought the man- if I weren't dead, it would be a different story."

The dogs closed in . . .

. . . and seeing no movement, they ate him.

Two Frogs

I was in the middle of a series of exams. I had taken two finals already, and my next one was less than a week away. I was not prepared.

-I'm not going to make it. -I told Jorge. It's useless to put more energy into this. It's a lost cause. I think that the best thing I can do now is just show up with what I already know. At least that way if they fail me, I won't have wasted the whole week studying.
-Have you ever heard the story of the two frogs? -The Fat Man asked.

Once upon a time two frogs fell into a bowl of cream.
They immediately realized that they were sinking: it was impossible to float or even swim through this thick quicksand-like substance. At first, the frogs tried to get to the edge of the bowl by kicking, but it was useless. They only splashed about and buried themselves. Every time they came up to breath, it seemed more and more difficult to reach the surface.
One of them shouted: "I can't do this any more. It's impossible to escape. I can't swim through this stuff. I'm going to die here. It doesn't make any sense to prolong my suffering. It doesn't make any sense to die exhausted by a useless effort."
That said, it stopped kicking. It started sinking and was literally swallowed up by the thick white liquid.
The other frog, more persistent, or maybe more stubborn, said to itself "There's no way out! I can't get through this stuff. Death is closing in on me, but I'll fight 'til the end. I won't die one second before my time."
The frog kicked and splashed for hours without moving an inch. Suddenly, from all this kicking and moving and splashing, the cream turned into butter.
The frog kicked again and, with some amazement, realized it was in mid-air. It landed in the butter with a squish; but, it kept kicking and jumping until finally it reached the bowl's edge.
The frog jumped down off the edge and croaked happily all the way home.

The Cyclothymic King

When I started to talk, I realized how hyper I was.  I felt euphoric!  And since I was, at the time, talking to Jorge, he found out everything that I had done that week.

It wasn't the first time that I'd felt that way, like a triumphant Superman.  I was, for the time being, loving life.  I was full of energy and power.  I started telling The Fat Man all my plans for the next few days. 

The Fat Man smiled happily.

As always, I felt like Jorge was accompanying me on my emotional roller coaster. Sharing my happiness with Jorge was one more reason to be happy.  The plans all made sense so I kept going, even though I wasn't going to have time to do it all, even with two lifetimes.

- Can I tell you a story? - he said

I remember how difficult it was, but somehow I quieted myself.

Once upon a time these was a king who ruled a far off land.

He was a good king, but he had a problem: he had two personalities.

There were days when he would get up happy and full of energy, euphoric.  Right from the start those were wonderful days.  The palace gardens seemed more beautiful. His servants, by some strange occurrence, became friendly and efficient.

During breakfast, he averred that during his reign the flour was the finest ever produced and the harvest the best ever reaped.

On those days, the king lowered taxes, redistributed wealth, did favors for others, and legislated to promote peace and ensure the well-being of the elderly.  On those days, he agreed to every petition submitted by his friends and subjects.

However, there were other days too...

dark days.

When he awoke all he wanted was to fall back asleep, but he couldn't.  Not for the life of him, could he understand why his servants were all in such a bad mood and why none of them were doing a good job.  Sunshine bothered him, more than rain!  The food was tepid, and the coffee cold.  The mere idea of receiving visitors gave him a headache.

On these days, he was frightened by all of his contractual agreements and worried about how to fulfill them.  Those were the days when the king raised taxes, annexed lands, and oppressed those who opposed him.

He was afraid of the present, afraid of the future, and haunted by the mistakes of the past.  On those days he passed legislation opposed to the wishes and interests of the town.  On those days, the word he used most was 'no'.

Aware of the problems caused by his unstable character, the king called a meeting.  Every wise man, wizard and advisor was there.  

Gentlemen - he said - All of you have witnessed the vicissitudes of my character.  You've reaped the rewards of my euphoria and suffered the hardships of my wrath.

But I have suffered far more than any of you, because every day I have to undo what I did the day before, when I was seeing things differently.

What I need, Gentlemen, is for you to work together to find me a cure, be it potion or spell, that will keep me from getting so absurdly optimistic that I'm unconscious of the risks involved, and from getting so ridiculously pessimistic as to oppress and harm those I love.

The motley group accepted his task and for several weeks they worked on the problem.  However, neither spell, nor alchemy, nor herb were effective.

So they appeared before the king and admitted their failure.  

The king cried that night.

The next morning a strange visitor arrived and asked to see the king.  He was a dark and mysterious man wearing a tattered old tunic.  

Your majesty - he said, bowing low - In the place that I'm from, they speak of your troubles.  I've come here to bring you a cure.

Lowering his gaze, he presented to the king a leather box.

The king was surprised and hopeful.  He opened the box and looked inside.  There he found a silver ring.

- Thank you - the king said enthusiastically - Does it have some magical power?

- Yes, your majesty - responded the man - but simply wearing it is not enough to make it work.

Every morning, when you wake up, you must read the inscription that the ring bears, and you must remember it every time you notice the ring on your finger.

The king held up the ring and read the inscription out loud:

"Know that this too will pass."

  

The Ring's True Worth

We had been talking about the need for recognition and affirmation from others, and Jorge had been explaining Maslow's theory of the hierarchy of necessities.

We all need the respect and esteem of those around us to be able to create our own self-esteem.  Around that time, I was complaining because my parents never really accepted me, because my friends didn't really like me, and because my efforts at work went without recognition.

- There's an old story - said The Fat Man as he handed me some maté leaves and a cup of steaming water - about a young man who went to see an old wise man for help.  His problem reminds me of yours.

I'm here, sir, because I feel so small that I have no desire to do anything.  They tell me I'm useless, that I don't do anything well, and that I'm lazy and stupid.  How can I improve myself? What can I do to get better?

Without looking at him, the wise man said: 

- I'm very sorry, young man.  I can't help you, I must solve a problem of my own first.  Maybe then...

- And after a long pause he added - If you'd like to help me, I could solve my problem more quickly and then... maybe I can help you.

- Yyy ... yes, sir. - he murmured, feeling once again degraded, his needs subordinated to those of the wise man.

- Good, then - the wise man replied.  He removed a ring from the pinkie finger of his left hand, and passing it to the young man he said - Take that horse outside and ride to the town markets.  I need to sell this ring in order to pay a debt I owe.  It's very important that you get the best possible price, absolutely nothing less than one gold coin.  Go and come back with the money as soon as you can.

The young man took the ring and went.  As soon as he reached the markets, he started showing the ring to the merchants.  They all seemed interested until he told them the price he wanted.

When he mentioned the gold coin, some laughed, others gave him strange looks.  Only one old man was kind enough to explain to him that one gold coin was too much for the ring.  He offered him him a silver coin and a jar full of copper, but the young man rejected the offer following the instructions given to him not to accept less than one gold coin.

Having made more than 100 offers, having been rejected by every merchant in the market, he got on his horse and rode back.

He wanted desperately to have a gold coin to give to the wise man, so that the wise man could help him and advise him.

He entered the house.

- Sir -he said - I'm sorry.  You asked me to do something impossible.  Maybe I could have gotten two or three silver coins for that ring, but I just can't trick any body into giving me more than its worth.

- The thing that you have just said is very important my young friend. - he replied with a smile - First, we've got to know the true value of the ring!  Get back on that horse and go to see the jewelry maker.  Who could possibly know better than he?  Tell him that you'd like to sell the ring and ask him how much he'll give you for it.  But no matter what he offers you -- do not sell the ring.  Bring it back here.

The young man got on his horse and set off.

By candlelight, the jewelry maker inspected the ring.  He used a magnifying glass and weighed it on a scale, and after a moment he said:

Tell the old man that if he needs to sell it immediately, I can't give him more than 58 gold coins.  Got it, sprout?

- 58 gold coins?  he said in astonishment.

- Yeah. - If he has more time, he can probably find a buyer at 70 coins. Otherwise...

The young man took the ring and got up and left.  He was so excited that he galloped the horse all the way back.  

- Sit down. - said the wise man, as his young page burst through the door in excitement.  

He listened to the young man's story, and then said  

- You are just like this ring: a unique and valuable jewel.  The only person who can understand your true value is an expert.  Why do you go around expecting that anyone you meet on the street knows your true value.  

And with this, he put the ring back on the pinkie finger of his left hand. 

Brick!

That day I was pissed. I was in a bad mood and everything was bothering me. I was whiny and unproductive at work. I hated everything I was doing and everything around me. But most of all, I hated myself. Just like in Papini's story, that day I couldn't stand 'being me'.

-I'm an idiot - I said (talking to myself) - A complete imbecile... I think I despise myself.

- You despise half of the population of this office. The other half is going to tell you a story.

There once was a man who traveled the world with a brick in his hand. He had decided that every time someone infuriated him, he would clobber them with the brick. It was primitive, but effective, wouldn't you say?

He came across a loudmouth who started saying all kinds of bad things to him. So he followed his plan and threw the brick at him.

I can't remember if it reached or not. Afterwards though, he found that going to pick it up was a real inconvenience. So, he decided to improve his 'Brick-Based Self-Preservation System' as he called it. He tied a 3 foot rope to the brick. That way the brick would never get too far away. He soon discovered that the new system had its own flaws. To begin with, his target had to be less than 3 feet away. But also, the string would get tangled up and caught on things.

So he invented the 'BBSPS 3.0'. The protagonist was still the brick, but instead of a rope it had springs. Now, he supposed, he could throw the brick over and over and it would come back on its own.

So he set out, and as soon as someone mistreated him, he threw the brick. He missed the target. The brick bounced back and hit him right in the head.

He tried again, but he misjudged the distance, and the brick came back and clobbered him a second time.

The third time, it was because his timing was off.

The fourth time was different. After deciding to clobber his victim, he tried to protect her from his aggression, and in this attempt the brick once again hit him in the head.

All of this was making a huge bump...

He never understood why the brick wouldn't hit anybody else but him;

either he had suffered too many blows to the head, or his character had undergone some kind of mutation.

Every brick that he threw went to him.

This mechanism is called retroflection: it protects others from our own aggression. Before our angry, hostile energy gets out, a barrier that we ourselves put in place stops it. The barrier doesn't absorb the impact, it reflects. All of that anger, annoyance, and aggression, comes back at us through real acts of self-destruction (self-inflicted wounds, overeating, drug-abuse, excessive risk-taking) and in other cases through emotions that mask those feelings (depression, guilt, somatization).

In all likelihood an ideal human, 'enlightened', brilliant, and stable, would never get angry. That would be really helpful; however, once we feel that anger, annoyance, or aggression, the only way to free ourselves of it is by purging it through actions. Ironically, the only thing that we accomplish through this, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, is to become angry at ourselves.